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Speaking Out for Yourself
A Self-Help Guide
Steps to Being an Effective Self-Advocate
Believe in yourself.
The first step to become an effective self-advocate is to believe in yourself.
Believing in yourself means you are aware of your strengths, know that
you are worthwhile, and are willing to take good care of yourself. Many
people who have troubling emotional symptoms or who have a disability
struggle with self-esteem. To ask for what you need and want and to protect
yourself when others treat you badly, you will need to support your self-worth.
You will want to assess, appreciate, support, and improve the way you
feel about yourself.
- Assess: On a 1-10 scale, what is your self-esteem? If you're undecided, give
yourself a 5.
- Appreciate: Give yourself credit for as much self-esteem as you do have. It can be really hard to hold one's own in the world, and you deserve appreciation
for every point you've been able to hold on to. Forgive yourself for
the points that lie between you and a 10. You've done the best you can.
Also give yourself credit for reading this booklet.
- Support:
What do you do for yourself that supports your well-being? Write down
those things, like eating well, making sure you have fun regularly,
or pursuing your goals. Write only the good things you do right now,
appreciate yourself for them, and vow to continue.
- Improve:
Think of something you'd like to change to improve your well-being.
It can be just one small thing that's easy for you that you'd like to
stop doing or begin to do such as exercising more, signing up for a
class, or watching less television. It may even be getting out of bed.
Sometimes deciding is enough, but here, it is helpful to make a step-by-step
plan of how you are going to change if you need to.
Exercises to raise Self-esteem
- Get together with
a trusted friend. Divide a block of time in half, for instance, 20 minutes
divided in half would be 10 minutes each. Then, take turns telling the
other person everything good about them. Just think, 10 minutes of compliments!
- Go to the library
and get a book on building self-esteem. Do any of the suggested activities
that feel right to you.
- Repeat over and
over the affirmation: I am a unique and valuable
person. I am worth the effort it takes to advocate for myself, to get
what I want and need for myself, to protect my rights and to insist
that others treat me well. Think of other affirmations that
you could say to yourself.
- Set a timer for
10 minutes. Then, write everything good you can think of about yourself.
After your time is up, read what you have written. Then, fold it up,
and put it in a convenient place, like in your pocket, purse, or next
to your bed. Then, read it over before you go to bed, when you get up
in the morning and every time you have a spare moment. If you can't
think of enough things to write in this exercise, ask your friends for
ideas before you begin.
- Do something nice
for someone else or for your community. Take fresh flowers to a friend,
visit a person in the hospital or in a nursing home, or clean up the
trash in a park.
If you don't believe in yourself because you are feeling so badly, have a trusted friend or health care provider remind you that they believe in you.
Decide what you want or what needs to change.
Think about your life. What is it that you need and want for yourself?
Make a list of these things. For instance, you may want to—
- get a job, or a better job
- find housing in a safe neighborhood
- take some educational courses or go back to school
- change your medications or treatments
- make more money
- get a raise
- lose weight
- buy a new car
- have a partner
- take some sick time
- be treated as an equal by your health care provider
- not be subjected to inappropriate sexual talk in your workplace
Your list may be
very long. Review the list. Which of these things could you achieve, or
try to achieve by advocating or speaking out for yourself? Circle those.
Which of your circled needs and wants is most important to you? Put #1
beside that want or need. Number the others in order of priority. For
instance, your #1 might be going back to school. Your #2 might be getting
a better job and #3 might be making more money.
Through this simple process you have identified your needs or goals and
how important they are to you in your life. It would be a lot of work
to begin working on all of your goals at the same time. Start working
on meeting these needs and goals by beginning with your top priority-#1.
After you have met that goal, or are coming along well with that one,
you can begin using the steps in this booklet to begin work on another
need or goal. Keep in mind that your needs and goals may change from time
to time. What seems like a high priority now may not seem like such a
high priority in several months when something else may have taken precedence
over it.
Get the facts.
When you speak up for yourself, you need to know what you are talking
about. You need to gather information and make sure the information you
have is accurate. There are many ways to get information—
- ask people who have done something similar or who have been in a similar situation—a peer, co-worker, or friend
- ask someone who has special expertise in the area you are working on. (For instance,
if you want to go back to college, go visit with a college advisor,
disability official, or a student support program. If you need safe
housing, talk to someone in the housing authority in your town.)
- study books and other resources you can access through your library, related organizations and agencies, or the Internet
- contact various agencies and organizations, especially those that specialize in advocacy and education and that serve people with disabilities
If this is hard for
you to do, ask someone you trust to help you—like a friend, family
member, or health care provider. Once you have the facts you think you
need, write them down or make copies and keep them in a file or other
safe place where you know you can find the information when you need it.
Use your own common sense to decide whether a source of information should
be believed. If you are unclear, ask someone you trust or someone with
expertise in the area to help you decide if the information you have found
is accurate.
Plan your strategy.
Now that you know what you want and you have information about it, what
do you think is your best strategy for getting what you want or for achieving
your goal? What steps would you need to take? You may want to set a timeline
and even small goals to achieve by certain dates. You may want to think
of several ways to address the problem in case one way doesn't work out.
Ask supporters for suggestions. Get feedback on your ideas. Then choose
the strategy or strategies.
Examples
Tom, a man in his forties, had been out of work for 10 years due to recurring
severe depression and anxiety attacks. He wanted to return to work part
time in his field as a graphic designer. Through his research he found
that there were openings for graphic designers in his community. However,
he also learned that in the years that he had been unable to work, all
graphic design work had become computerized. His computer design skills
were very limited. His strategy was as follows—
Goal 1: Learn needed computer skills
Objectives to meet goal:
- Inquire about availability of courses through adult education programs and local colleges, and services and accomodations for people with disabilities.
- Find funding for courses through vocational rehabilitation programs and financial aid.
- Develop study schedule and enroll for classes.
Goal 2: Get employed
- To be achieved in 18 months
Objectives to meet goal:
- Meet with people at local employment agencies.
- Become familiar with possible employment options.
- Develop a resume.
- Update wardrobe by frequenting thrift shops or other shops for good buys.
- Talk with other graphic designers about possible employment.
- Fill out applications.
- Set up interviews.
Jane, a woman in her thirties, had always had trouble speaking up for herself. She was
often harassed at her workplace, a large discount store, by a co-worker.
This co-worker teased her about her disability and went out of her way
to make Jane's job hard for her. She had not spoken up about this for
fear of losing her job.
Goal: Get better treatment from her co-worker without losing her
job
- To be achieved
in one month
Objectives to
meet the goal:
- Ask her friends, family, healthcare provider to get recommendations on how to proceed.
- Call the state agency of protection and advocacy or the Job Accommodation Network at
(800) 526-7234 and get recommendations on how to proceed. (see Resources
in back of booklet)
- Ask her co-worker to stop harassing her (teasing her about her disability and making her job hard for her).
- If necessary, file a complaint with her employer to ask that the harassment be stopped, or ask to be moved to a position away from her co-worker.
- Read books on assertiveness dealing with difficult people.
Gather support.
It is easier and usually more effective to work on getting what you want
and need for yourself if you have the support of one or several friends,
family members, or health care providers. You may even want to start or
join a group of people with issues similar to yours such as a self-help
or peer support group. If necessary, call your protection and advocacy
organization for support. A good supporter is someone who—
- you like, respect, and trust, and who likes, respects, and trusts you
- allows you the space to change, grow, make decisions, and even mistakes
- listens to you and shares with you, both the good and the bad time
- respects your need for confidentiality so you can tell them anything
- lets you freely express your feelings and emotions without judging, teasing, or criticizing
- gives you good advice when you want and ask for it, assists you in taking action that will help you feel better, and works with you to figure out what to do next in difficult situations
- accepts help from you when they need it
- you want to be with, but don't desperately need to be with
- doesn't ever take advantage of you
Tell them you are working on becoming a better advocate for yourself. Ask them if they would be willing to help you in this effort by listening to you, giving you
advice and feedback from time to time, and being with you when you are
taking some difficult steps. If they agree, put their names and phone
numbers on a list and post it in a convenient place where you can easily
find these phone numbers when you need them. However, don't overwhelm
your supporters with your problems and needs. And be there for them when
they need your help.
Keep in mind that even the very best friend may inadvertently let you
down from time to time. No one is perfect. Try to forget the incident
and continue with the good relationship you have.
Target your efforts.
Who do you need to deal with to get action on this matter? Talk directly
with the person or people who can best assist you. It may take a few phone
calls to discover which organization, agency, or person can help, and
to find who is in charge, but it is worth the effort. Keep trying until
you find the right person. Maybe the right person is someone as close
as your spouse or another family member. It could be the head of your
local town council. Perhaps it is a State official. It might even be a
Congress person. Maybe it is the head of the company you work for. Keep
going up the chain of command until you reach the person that can help
you. Remember that you are a very important and valuable person, and
insist that the right person make the time to deal with you and your issues.
Treating the person who is helping you in a respectful way will help you
to get what it is you need for yourself.
Ask for what you want.
Make an appointment to see the person or people who can help you get what
you want. Don't just show up. Once you have made the appointment, be sure
to keep it. If something comes up so you can't make it, call ahead and
reschedule.
Dress neatly for the appointment. This gives the person the message that
this is an important meeting. Be on time. Look the person in the eye and
shake hands firmly in greeting. Call the person by name. How you say something
often makes a greater impression than what you say. Use the person's formal
name (Mr. Jones or Mrs. Corey) or ask them how they would like to be addressed.
When you are asking for what you want and need, be brief and concise.
Say what you need to say as clearly and with as few words as possible.
Give only the information that the other person needs. Don't confuse them
with things they don't need to know. Don't go on and on about it–just
say it. Stick to the point. Don't allow yourself to be diverted. State
your concern and how you want things changed.
State your message clearly and simply. Tell the person exactly what you
want from them. Explain why you need it. Tell them why it is in their
best interest to respond to your request. Speak loudly enough to be heard,
without shouting. Expect a positive response. Plan ahead of time what
points you need to make. Practice with the help of friends, tape recorders,
or mirrors if you feel unsure of yourself. Consider the following good
examples of a person telling someone else what it is they need or want:
"I have learned that many people who have taken certain medications
for long periods of time need a complete battery of thyroid tests. I would
be happy to share this information with you. I also know that I have many
symptoms which are common to people who have certain thyroid disorders.
By reviewing my records, I have found that I have not had any thyroid
tests. Therefore, I would like you to order a complete battery of thyroid
tests for me."
"I live in one of your subsidized housing units. The locks on the
front door and several of the windows are broken. I have asked the building
manager to repair them three times in the last month. It has not been
done. In addition, the high crime rate in the area is making it difficult
for me to sleep. I need to be transferred to a housing unit in a safe
area where the building, especially the locks, are kept in good repair."
Listen to the other person's response. If you don't understand, ask questions
for clarification. If you feel you are not getting anywhere, tell the
other person that you wish to pursue your issues further and ask to speak
to the person's supervisor.
Sometimes the person you are speaking with will try to divert your attention
by talking about something that is not directly related to your request,
or will tell you that what you want is not possible. Politely bring their
attention back to your request by restating what you want.
At the end of the meeting, restate any action that has been decided upon
so you both understand each other clearly. For instance, you might say,
"As a result of this meeting you are going to order a thyroid test
for me." Or, "As a result of this meeting, I understand you
are going to change my status to active."
Send a follow-up note, thanking them for meeting with you and summarizing
any agreed- upon action. This will be a reminder and provide assurance
that you both have the same understanding of the result of the meeting.
In some cases it may not be possible for you to ask for what you want
"in person." Distance, lack of transportation, lack of resources,
and illness or disability may make that difficult. You may have to make
your request by phone, in a letter, or by e-mail.
Don't take "no" for an answer. Persist until you get what you
want and need for yourself.
Letters
If you are going to make your request by letter, make the letter short,
simple, and clear. One page is best. Long letters may not be read. Make
sure the letter is easy to read. If possible, use a typewriter or computer
to write it.
In the first paragraph, tell them exactly what you want. Then add details
or more information in the rest of the letter.
If appropriate, send copies of your letter to others you want to inform
such as your legislator or advocacy agency. Put "cc" (which
means copies circulated) at the bottom of the letter with a list of others
to whom you are sending copies. You may also choose to send "blind"
copies—copies that you don't inform others about. Keep a copy of
the letter in your file for future reference. It's a good idea to follow
up a letter with a phone call to make sure the person got the letter and
to discuss the situation further.
Make sure you keep a record of all your contacts and calls.
Phone calls
You may need to make your request by phone. Letters and visits may be
initiated with or followed by phone calls. Use phone calls to gather information,
to keep track of what's going on, and to let people know what you want.
When calling
- Make a list of the points you want to make in your call and have it in front of you
to refer to during the call.
- Identify yourself. Ask the name and position of the person you are talking to.
- Briefly describe the situation to the person who answered and ask if they are the right person to deal with such a request. If they are not the right person,
ask to be transferred to a person who is more appropriate. If that person
is not available, ask that they return your call. If you have not heard
from them by the next day, call back. Don't be put off or give up because
your call is not returned. Keep calling until you reach the person you
need to speak to.
- Once you have reached the appropriate person, make your request for action brief and
clear.
- If the person cannot respond to your request immediately, ask when they will get back
to you or by what date you can expect action.
- Thank the person for being helpful when that's the case.
- In some cases when a person has been particularly helpful, it is a good idea to send
a card of thanks. This opens the door for further contact on related
issues.
- Keep a written record of your calls in your file. Include the date of your call, who
you spoke to, issues addressed, and promised action.
- If you do not hear back from the person when expected, the promised action is not
taken, or the situation is not resolved, call them back. Persist until
you reach the person, the promised action is taken, or resolution is
reached.
Assert yourself calmly.
When you are speaking up for yourself you may get very frustrated and
angry if the other person is very negative or difficult to deal with.
Stay cool. Don't lose your temper and lash out at the other person, their
character, or the organization. If you lose your temper, it may make it
more difficult to get what you want and need for yourself. It will help
if you treat the other person or people courteously.
Repeating these affirmations over and over may help:
In the process of advocating for myself, I will
keep calm because this increases my effectiveness. In the process of advocating
for myself, I am committed to speaking out and also respecting the rights
of others and listening to what they have to say.
Be firm and
persistent.
Don't give up! Keep at it until you get what you want, need, and deserve.
It may take a very short time and little effort, but more often, it takes
persistent effort over time. Repeat the following affirmation:
I will be firm and persistent. I will stick with
it until I get what I need for myself.
Debrief
After your appointment, arrange to meet a friend so you can tell someone
what happened. It will help reduce your stress and keep you feeling well.
Be sure to write down what the next steps are to resolve the issues that
may still be outstanding after the appointment.
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